Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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