Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you will always have a special place in my vag
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
