You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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