Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
