my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
