I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize