You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
