Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
