I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
