We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
