my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
