I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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