I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
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