new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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