I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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