i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
