i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
