This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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