I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
