who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Randomize
