This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
