I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
