Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
