just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Randomize
