True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
