Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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