I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
