Already got asked if we're dating
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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