the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
