Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
They have beer where we have blood.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
