come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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