he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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