This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
