I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
