Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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