I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I will pee on everything he values.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
