when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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