He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
