omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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