i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
