I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize