just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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