If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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