The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I have tasted many bathrooms
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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