it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
