It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
