Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
