then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
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