we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
My liver just had a heart attack.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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