So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
