Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
