Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
