Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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