I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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