I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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