Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I didn't shave. On purpose
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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