FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
