the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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