omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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