Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
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