I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
